Illustration by Soham Sen
Illustration by Soham Sen | ThePrint

They are now calling me General Papa Johnny. Do you know why? Because I, retired Lt Gen. Asim Saleem Bajwa, committed a sin by introducing this poor Pakistani nation to heavenly pepperoni pizzas. Blame me, best hang me, but you can’t deny my great service to the country. Yes, it is personal and it is about my pizza valour.

Retiring as lieutenant-general of the ‘Number 1’ military in the world, I saw many ups and downs but none like what I am facing now. I know that you’ve heard about my secret global economic escapades in the last few days — 99 companies, 133 pizza joints, some 13 commercial properties in the US including two shopping malls — don’t we all love malls. To all those complaining I say: Mehnat kar dost, hasad na kar (work hard my friend, don’t be jealous). Truth be told, it is no mean achievement to build an empire like mine in a poor country like Pakistan.

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Also read: Army tightens grip on Pakistan again as Imran Khan’s popularity wanes


My cars and pizzas 

Those who say that other countries have armies and the Pakistan army has a country are deeply conflicted. We are the only rich men stuck in a poor country. Why don’t you see our misery? You think it all came easy? I climbed my way up by kneading dough, that too yeast-free. Have a heart and imagine my struggle. 

My bank balance, my properties, my corner plots, my pizza restaurants, even my swanky Toyota ZX 2016 are all in the greater national interest of Pakistan. If hypocrisy had a face it would be mine, but you still want me to give you my money trail. You call it corruption? Do remember the 101 of our national narrative: the only corrupt in this great nation are the politicians, those of civilian variety, not like me. Repeat it a hundred times, better yet, hang it by your bedside.

If you don’t know me then you don’t need to know more than you know already. Apologies, but trying to hold me accountable for my retirement benefits won’t change anything.


Also read: Former Pakistan general Asim Bajwa, who is PM aide and CPEC chief, faces ‘corruption’ heat


Thorough professional

This brings me to the other part of my life in which I act as a politician. Though my friends tell me that my bad luck began when I joined Prime Minister Imran Khan, because everything he touches turns to trash. 

I am now special assistant to the prime minister on information. That is due to my previous excellent work as director-general (DG) of Inter-Services Public Relations (ISPR). Those who came after me couldn’t match my charm. While those before had no idea how to run ISPR. 

At ISPR, Pakistan’s information revolution began with me, I was the real deal. The digital troll armies, the hashtags, the branding of then army chief Gen. Raheel Sharif — I was the game-changer then and I am here now. You’d all remember my famous hashtag #ThankYouRaheelSharif, it was in honour of my boss. When Raheel slept I trended ‘thanks’, when he walked I trended ‘thanks’, when he prayed I trended ‘thanks’. The face of my boss was on trucks, car bonnets, and banners in the streets. My biggest achievement? I was the first to bring any Pakistani army chief’s face on a baniyan — such is my power in making military men great. My stint as DG ended soon, otherwise, Sharif underwear was next on the cards.


Also read: Pakistan’s former ISPR chief Gen Bajwa named Special Assistant to PM Imran Khan


Making Bajwas great again

I understand the pain of the people too.

I made hit songs such as Bada Dushman Bana Phirta Jo Bachon Se Ladta Hai, right after the Taliban killed 140 children in the Peshawar army school in December 2014. On the massacre’s first anniversary, I came up with Mujhe Dushman Ki Bachon Ko Parhana Hai. I gave special tuitions to the children of the dushman, and it was with that tuition fee that I built my multimillion empire. Just like that, I finished terrorism in Pakistan. No one seems to remember that. 

When I left ISPR, I took with me my 3 million Twitter followers. I never handed over the official account to your favourite incoming DG Asif Ghafoor. Why should have I thrown away my hard work? Don’t judge me, it was all in the greater good of the nation.

My purpose is to serve. I did so as commander of the 111-Brigade, a brigade notorious for helping military coups — yet, I myself did no such thing. I was known as the dharna innovator in 2014, because many think I was helping Imran Khan put up a DJ show in Islamabad’s D Chowk. 

These are the qualities that have left even senior Bajwa with no option but to trust me. People like to call me Chota Bajwa, but big or small, together we both can both make Bajwas great again!

As you know, I am a man of talents. I am also chairman of the China-Pakistan Economic Corridor (CPEC). I trust myself and there is no reason for the Chinese not to trust me. That is why I insist anyone who as much says a word about my corruption is liable of high treason. You question Bajwa, you question your existence. You question Bajwa over business with the United States and not China, you are an agent and conspirator of the dushman.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.

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57 COMMENTS

  1. So sad that people are taking pride in the ability to destroy each other and who can do it better than other! India could not capture Lahore despite of the premature announcement by Indian media! Calling the retaking of a post In Kargil from a few hundred men can hardly be called a victory. There is NO Winner here. Get real and accept Pakistan. Think of a model where the region becomes a model like USA and its states living amicably.

  2. Let the world decide who is great…
    1. Pakistan lost war at 1947 against India
    2. Pakistan lost war at 65 against India.
    3. Pakistan lost war at 71 against India.
    4. Pakistan lost war at 99 against India.
    5. Surgical strike in 2015 against Pakistani terrorist launch pads by Brave Indian soldiers.
    And now Pakistan is taking a catora in hand and going world wide in search of a huge hearted person who will give money to such a country which only knows to spread terrorism, support terrorism n pay terrorism….
    The attack in school in Dec 2014 was only your plants fruit which you are planting since the partition.
    Still there is time, get your relations good with world and finish terrorism from world……
    Jai Hind…

  3. We respect the warriors of our Nation. Let warriors eat more than civilians like me after all they can shoot a plane in a way to capture pilot alive. Jealousy will one day destroy you. In your country Bollywood is more important than warriors, that turned your warriors to cowards and degraded enough to face the new wars.

    • So u let a corrupt get away with it jzt b’coz he is a Pakistani & a General from Army.l?
      No wonder why Pak has reduced to Ethiopia of Asia who are living in debt & mercy of other countries.

  4. Yes I am proud to say that we pray and acknowledge divinity in cow. Cow is mother for us. The medicinal values have been discovered in cow’s milk, ghee, go mutr(urine) and cow dung thousands of years ago and it was proved authentic by recent german research. You paki bastards could not launch a single satellite so far,how can you Aknowlege our progress. Paki Bastards you should know that right from 1947 ,your country is been to dogs only because of your rogue army. Corruption is in their blood. Our judiciary takes care of corruption in our country. My country is on strong foundations of democracy. If you people Still believe in your army, very soon they sell you off to China.

    • Punjabi Army, these Punjabies are the descendents of Hindus, these Hindus and Punjabi Muslims always say that Afghans/ Pashtuns were looters, they would come from northern areas and loot India ??, but there is a saying that “History repeated itself”, when you read their history and when you see them, it is totally opposite to each other, they are the one looting our resources and minerals and crude oil ? and at the same time call us terrorists when we ask them for our rights. Bangladesh ?? got their independence because of them & now Baluch people want independence from these descendents of Hindus. Look at General Bajwa face, it is cursed, you can see corruption dripping down from his face. Nether Hindus nor Punjabis are our friends, they are both bastards.

  5. haha indians losing their land to chinese and they are still stuck in Pakistan syndrome. Indians are like those women who cant get over their break up.

  6. 1. If you want to be the flagbearers of ‘fair journalism’, you can’t expect your ‘wing’ to not come under fire. Accusing a satire writer from such a respected institution like The Print of propaganda (?!) Is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

    2. If you really thing The Print is biased, please go look at some other stories they’ve written. They’re anti pakistan also anti-bjp also, anti-congress also. They question everything- just like journalists should do. So instead of being offended and butthurt, dear Pakistani people and pseudo-liberals, please try to keep an open mind, and just laugh at yourselves for once, because this is how honest journalism should be- questioning, and unbiased.
    (Again, PLEASE read their other stories before forming an opinion about them. The Print is possibly the fairest and the most respectable digital political outlet
    Of India.)
    🙂

  7. So called number 1 army or only Army in the world who have taken there own country 4times and Shameful surrender in East Pakistan

    • If he is innocent…THEN WHY IS RESOGNING.

      THERE IS NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE.@!

      Besides the paki general looks corrupt and crooked.

  8. Pakistani generals doing what they are best at. When it comes to actual warfare then defeating Cow(ard) Beer drinkers without using any single bullet by just keeping silents and providing China ” The number 1 Human Intelligence in the world to conquerre finger 8-4 untill it has lost all its Chicken neck states, Kashmir, Khalistan any many others! Insha Allah. You silly coward, your time is very near than you think!
    Keep dreaming on bollywood dreams!

  9. Fake news and general asim bajwa himself warned everyone on this fake news. I wish he takes further action in court against this fake journalism

  10. No surprises here. Pakistani generals doing what they are best at, running businesses and making money off the awam. When it comes to actual warfare then defeat and surrender is their option. And in between sponging off the US, GCC and China.

  11. I cant believe that The Print too will publish such cheap, biased & prppoganda stuff. We are already fed up with present day media and look for quality journalism on the platform like Print. It seems that it has straightaway come from IT cell. It is not even a good sattire. Hope Print will upheld and ensure quality journalism henceforth.

  12. We Pakistanies and as a muslim,when start food say Bismillah(start eating by the Name of Allah(SWT),So the evils could not sit beside us,same as the Indian Hindus when ever they start speaks,eats,walk,travel and what so ever,first the speak i m taking start by the name of Great Pakistan,which could save them from any evil activity.

  13. Garbage Indian Media.. you can’t malign CPEC by publishing cheap news and a propaganda against Pakistan Army. What we can expect from you people. Shame on your journalism.. this is CPECC that gives you nightmare ..

  14. Below the belt and biased journalism only speaks of the level of publication you are reading. Please grow up beyond this cheap mindset. You bigotry is as evident as your embarrassing performance in recent military engagements.

  15. And then they we are not obsessed with Pakistan, bloody losers can’t even digest their food with out taking Pakistan name at least once a day.

  16. India should worry about its illegal occupation of Kashmir and Jammu in violation of its own signed and agreed UN resolution for plebiscite,instead of worrying about one General of Pakistan army. General Bajwa has done great service to his country and is doing superb job on completion of CPEC.

  17. Why all the drama? He was not making commissions on Bofors deals or Rafaels jets .That’s conflict of interest. The General is multi talented, and his work speaks volumes. Hope it did not hurt our Indian friends.

  18. Great welldone by modi media cell you can do only this things.. I pakistan was great pakistan will great.
    just you should look you own capes.
    shame on you

  19. If u reporting like this then you should better know about ur self…???

    Salute to you Sir Asim Bajwa!!! Pakistan, ISI and Pak Army Zindabad….

  20. Ayk bar world’s best doctors ki meeting hoi, sab ny bataya kay unho ny best kia kiya hy, American doctors ny batya ky unho ny ayk admi bis ki dono legs cut chuki thi artificial legs lagai aur woh ab ayk normal insan ki tra apny sary kaam khoud krta hy, British ny kaha kay unho ny ayk admi ka heart nikal kr us ki juga ayk artificial heart lgaya hy aor woh ab normal life guzar raha hy, Indian doctors ny kaha ky humary pass ayk aysa case aya kay ayk admi ka accident mey brain bohat damage ho gya tha, hum ney bohat lamba operation kia lykin us ka brain wapes normal nhi hou raha tha tu hum nay us ka brain hi nikal dia, now guess what….?! Woh last 8, 9 years say Indian government chla raha hy aur mazey ki baat yeah hy kay awam bi us ko koi bohat bara intellectual sumjh raging hy. ???

    • What a cheap , biased and derogatory style of journalism.
      Its quite shameful on your part as you have utmost tried to malign Pakistan and its institutions . Your concern should be towards a person and allegations to him.
      So please stop this sub standard journalism.

  21. ??? Poor indian writers, please leave Pakistan and its internal issues.
    Kindly focus on your country. Pakistan’s internal issues or even corruption will not help solve india internal problems.
    It’s really sincere suggestion.
    Lets suppose whole Pakistan is corrupt but you must focus your country.

  22. loser people! stop this propaganda war
    don’t be jealous from pak army
    and write something about your abhinandan and kalboshan

    haath main chori
    or moun me raam raam

    • if indian media is trying to discredit him he must be doing something right for pakistan. oh and he’s also the guy making sure cpec happens right! ooops but these indies (pronounced undies) are used to drinking piss!

  23. ???Wish you write a satire on our own Generals before writing on our neighbors. We should see in our own collar. Remember Coffin Scam of Indian Army, Major General Arun Roye, Colonel SK Malik and Colonel FB Singh. Write one on them as well. Leave Pakistan aside.

  24. Chinese PLA is grabbing Indian land on daily basis and all Indian media can do is to bash Pakistan’s retired General………………Ostrich head in sand !!!

  25. Print publish unauthentic pieces?? It must ask it writers to investigate and bring some thing genuine, or It should instead run some thing more better economically for itself…. shame on Print.

  26. At the time of civilians rule in Pakistan , ex army generals , must avoid joining , the government. Anyhow , it is part of the game . Now general Bajwa retired ; has to face much more questions and alligations , whether true or false.

    • Even if the general stole money, it was his country’s money. Indian generals has a lot to learn from their Pakistani counterparts.

  27. ? ? ? ? ? This is great. Please write more such articles. I enjoyed it a lot. Also, does this writer has some parody Twitter handle.

    • Indian media is Godi media ….godi means DOG OF ASIA ….just eat grab of cow and drink piss of cow…..make movies and see dreams haaaaha

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