Head of the Tehreek-i-Labaik Yah Rasool Allah Pakistan (TLYRAP) religious group Khadim Hussain Rizvi (C), offers Friday prayers on a blocked flyover bridge
A file photo of the head of the Tehreek-i-Labaik Yah Rasool Allah Pakistan (TLYRAP) religious group Khadim Hussain Rizvi (C), offers Friday prayers on a blocked flyover bridge during a protest in Islamabad on November 24, 2017. | AFP PHOTO / AAMIR QURESHI (Photo credit should read AAMIR QURESHI/AFP/Getty Images)

I am dead, but I can write. Don’t you think I am still alive? People come, people go but what stays in the world are my 18+ jokes.

O dallay, I address this letter to General Twitter, for my heart is oozing with hateful gratitude over my passing-away parade. I want to make it clear that as an “austere religious scholar”, I was first approached by the New York Times to be their columnist from jannat. But I decided to reach the other side of the tunnel.

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Who would have imagined the Pakistan Army’s love for me? Even before I had breathed my last, Army chief Qamar Bajwa tweeted condolences — staying true to his army’s Rs 1,000 promise of “kya hum aapke sath nahin? Did he know something that I didn’t? Seems like both Bajwa and Prime Minister Imran Khan had the condolences saved in their twitter drafts. Pe** di siri.

In my life, people thought I was against the Pakistani Army. Reality is — I was just their fauji. If I were in uniform, I would have been the DG ISPR, better than Asif Ghafoor, and I would have taken several extensions over my death, like Bajwa. Influence, I had. Why else do you think CENTCOM (US Central Command) was crying over my demise? Wish Alia Bhatt cried too. I thought I meant something to her.

Also read: I, Asim Bajwa, may have quit, but don’t forget I still head Cheese Pizza Economic Corridor

Me, my menace and mazhab

When I was born, my mother taught me just one thing. Ammi jaan kehti thi mazhab se bada koi dhanda nahin hota. I stuck to it and look where I am now. There is no slogan bigger than saving Islam in Pakistan. Why else do you think we created Pakistan in the first place?

I was no Taliban, I was no Al-Qaeda — I was my own menace.

Everyone wants to know how is it that I am dead. Here is exactly what happened.

As you know, I was the Gabbar Singh for blasphemers. Mothers used to tell their children, ‘So ja warna Khadim aa jaeyga’. But when I left the earth, all of it became history. One blasphemer on my radar was France. I urge why Pakistan keeps an atom bomb when it is not going to use it? What’s the fun in that? For as long as I was alive, I wanted to nuke France and all the countries I ever heard the name of, but everyone thought I was joking. Then I decided to do a suicide nuke attack on Emmanuel Macron’s country. Little did I know that in this blast-phemy, I will bomb myself to bits. Sh*t happens.

There is gain in all pain. Now I sit in jannat, still filled with immense hate. That is just what my fate is. But with my ideas, revolution is just around the corner in jannat, not much different from General Twitter’s corner plots in which he enjoys pepperoni pizzas.

People called me an enigma, an Allama (scholar). But, in reality, I was just a guy next door, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him. I was the shaheen of Allama Iqbal. You can credit me for this — only I could understand the real meaning of Iqbal’s poetry. You Pakistanis just wanted a holiday, so that you could sleep on Iqbal Day.

Also read: Dear Pakistanis, don’t get swayed by Nawaz Sharif. Think of all I do for PM Imran Khan

In Jannat, no hoors, no Tinder

I am asked if I have any regrets. The only one I can think of is that I wasn’t able to use Tinder before Imran Khan banned it. I had several exciting options but was too shy to swipe. If I could go in the past, casual hook-ups is one thing I would like to add to my dharnas. Why should Imran Khan have all the fun in his dharnas?

After death did us apart, I became an entrepreneur. My colourful vibrant language made it possible for me to open several food joints across the land of kufar, especially in The Netherlands and France. Next, I plan to venture into the world of music, based on my galam-galoch. After all, I inspired many singers into writing songs over my flowery mouth, not to forget those MTVish remixes. A Coke Studio from jannat is in the works, and even this music will blow your brains, literally.

My days start, my days end. It is kind of anticlimactic for all the fuss we created about life after death. My companion is Ludo and my guilty pleasure remains offering jannat to all my neighbours in jannat.

Wish one day Maulana Tariq Jameel could join me here and see for himself that all those stories about hoors were just hoax.

This is part of an occasional, irreverent take on Pakistani issues by General Twitter. The real name of the authors will not be disclosed because they don’t want to be taken too seriously. Views are personal.

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  1. See this is why pakistan will never get anywhere because of people like this author who probably dont even know dua e kunoot and hes attacking dead scholars
    Literally i see why india thinks its a good time to take over kashmir know

  2. See this is why pakistan will never get anywhere because of people like this author who probably dont even know dua e kunoot and hes attacking dead scholars
    Literally i see why india thinks its a good time to take over kashmir know

  3. Having peace and order in Pakistan in the future, improving the economy and his departure from the world was an improvement in that.

  4. مستقبل میں پاکستان کا امن و امان ہونا معیشت کا سدھارنا اور ان صاحب کا دنیا سے رخصت ہونا اسی میں بہتری تھی

  5. Alas you will never be able to see the reality. As heaven is no way near the he+ll. You can just imagine and pour out the fil-th of your own ill+egal sp+erm in journalism that your mother took from a gar,bage man, he came to your house daily after your ga+y father went out, after taking it she inserted it in her wo+mb from bottom to get a piece of sh+t like you. ?

  6. Massive shame on author! Absolute disgust. This doesn’t qualify as comedy or sarcasm. Mocking a dead person while involving twisted narrative of afterlife is obnoxious. Unacceptable! And shame on this media house for publishing this bloody childish shitshow. Cringe! Disgust!

  7. Are you sure this is one of your leading media paper?
    Why behaving like a newly opened 3rd class company striving hard for cheap popularity?

  8. Wow an anti hindu ,maxist news media who dont shy in calling hindus terrorists and intolerant is scared of giving the name of author to the readers…why are you scared of your peaceful army

  9. Indians have no shame to critic on late khadim Rizvi a person who is no more in this world.
    But this is your dilemma that u try to divert world attention from the oppression on Kashmir. But u will not be succeded.

  10. Hello Mr xyz, who wrote a hateful biased and abusive column on our Religious Scholar Late Khadim Hussain Rizvi. U Indians have no shame to critic on a person who is no more in this temporary world.
    But this is your dilemma to divert attention from the oppression on Kashmir. But u will not be succeded.

  11. You are making fun of one of your own leading Newspaper just like you made fun of Pakistan on 23rd March 1940 by publishing ridiculous things in your Newspaper………..and that Pak later on emerged in reality which nailed you. Similarly Rizwi will throw atomic bomb on you from Heaven.

  12. What a pathetic piece of sh…t! This is literally insane.
    It seems Print has been hijacked by mentally retarded people. Whoever wrote this needs to be sent to a mental asylum forthwith.

  13. What you said might be ?% true..but we have our problems in our country.. please report them first..they are like that only that’s why they lagging behind.i f we also did the same by Shaming others.. laughing on others situation..we might not grow as a nation..see your report is bit funny..but it escalated hatred between two groups..don’t mind..just a suggestion..

  14. Wow if Pakistan raised it’s voice against atrocities against muslims India says we are “interfering” in their domestic affairs but india shamelessly butts its nose in Pakistani matters hindu hypocrisy at display

  15. This is very disappointing to be honest. A leading newspaper is ridiculing a person who just died. Yes, Khadim was a lunatic, but the man is no more. Are we going to stoop so low and make fun of Islamic beliefs and values too? I’m shocked at how uncivil the media is in India.

  16. Stop barking behind the deads. Bloody fool.
    Go seek about your countries issues. What’s happening there? ? ?

  17. One Day We All Will Die, things will be clear after Death.. You will know who is in obvious Error.. and One thing more To Print & Author of this Article, there’s a million problems in India and You Still have time for this.. Soon You Will Also Suffer.. just Like Our Farmers right now..

  18. Shame on you Author! Shame on you. You didn’t even spare the one who left this world. Think about your death. Shame on you

  19. It’s expected from RAVANA’S child, as seeta said after her return from Lanka she saw the swarg on earth while she was in RAVANA’S bed with him. RAVANA’S children have to show up their HARAMI colors on different occasions. Hope author of this article not going to mind my way of expression, ?

  20. Beside 0.1% of uneducated punjabis, no one care about this lunatic mullah in Pakistan So stop tying to miking him a dead icon.

    • Kepler-8B don’t make a fool of yourself here o. 1 per Punjabi’s Haa ??? I’m laughing at ur ignorance there were more than 10lakh people at his funeral ,idiot!! learn before u comment about anything.

      • When author of the content will die, people of the world will remember him/her with the same words. This behaviour shows mental illness and abusive language reflect his eduation(that he/she took this in inheritance).

    • Oh 99.9%so called liberal un say payar aur aqeedat karnay walay daikhta teray to pata nae ghar walay bhi ain tujhay kandha dainay ya nae

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